Planning an LGBTQ+ Friendly Wedding

HELLO!

Welcome to the first (of many? of one? who can be sure?) collection of hot tips for planning a badass wedding! Today we’ll be chatting a bit about how you can host an event that fosters a safe environment for the LGBTQ+ folks in your life. Before we dive in, there may be some words + phrases that are unfamiliar to you - that’s okay! You can check out this glossary from The Trevor Project to learn more. 

First hot tip: please keep in mind that not all LGBTQ+ folks are out or visible. You may be under the impression that you don’t have LGBTQ+ folks in your life - and that’s an easy assumption to make in our cis-hetero-centric world - but it’s incredibly likely that you do! (Also, if you don’t think you’ve got any queer or trans friends…maybe take a minute to think on that a lil deeper and diversify your circle.) Even though your friends + family may not have come out to you, they’ll benefit just as much from an inclusivity-informed wedding day.

Do your research on your vendors. If you’re a straight couple, one of the most helpful things you can do is to ask potential vendors + venues (including churches) if they serve LGBTQ+ clientele before hiring them. Take a peek at their work and ask yourself: do they showcase queer love in their portfolio? Does their website include all kinds of bodies + all kinds of gender presentations? Or are they only centering straight thin white folks? Don’t bring bigoted vendors in on your big day. Even better: try to find LGBTQ+ and BIPOC-owned businesses to work with in their stead.

Language matters. Weddings tend to be filled with heavily gendered, heteronormative language, so taking a critical look at the terminology you’ll be using is an important step in making the day safe + secure. Ask that your officiant skips or replaces phrases that refer to marriage as something between “a man and a woman” (this one has always stung exceptionally hard for me) or the wives-submit-to-your-husbands bit - lots of straight women are probably not super interested in hearing that either.

Re-think wedding parties. You don’t need to sort people out by gender! If you’re a bride and you want your brother to stand alongside you on your wedding day, you can. Trade in labels like “bridesmaids” for “bridesfolks,” especially if you’ve asked a gender-nonconforming person to partake in your party. It’s also super helpful to ask your wedding party what they’d feel comfortable wearing, and make room for them to express their gender as they see fit. If someone feels more secure presenting themselves in a dress than in pants (or vice versa), let them! Let’s focus more on giving our loved ones space to express their gender than having uniformity.

Prioritize pronouns. Give your guests a space to add their pronouns when they RSVP, and add them to place cards or seating charts. Sure, not everyone will provide them and not all of your guests will be pronoun-savvy, but normalize asking for them rather than assuming them. Here’s a handy guide on pronouns if you’re not super familiar.

Safety should be first and foremost. More than anything, it’s critical that your wedding day is safe, and there are a few things you can do to mitigate the risk of harm. Does your venue have an all-gender bathroom? If not, it’s easy to purchase signs for these online and swap these out on single-stall restrooms. Giving your trans, non-binary, and GNC friends a place to freshen up and use the bathroom without worry can take lots of pressure off of them for the day. Do you have family members or friends who have biases against the LGBTQ+ community? It might be tough, but it’s time to think critically about whether you’d like them to be included in your wedding. If the answer absolutely must be “yes,” then it’s important that you take care not to seat them with any vulnerable folks who will be in attendance. You may also consider having a conversation with them about the kind of conduct you expect at your event, however please don’t do this if it may result in them retaliating towards your LGBTQ+ guests.

Just in case it hasn’t become glaringly obvious, the wedding industry needs a massive overhaul - and you have the opportunity to be a part of that! If there are traditions that seem just a bit too gendered or patriarchal for you (the garter or bouquet toss, “giving away the bride,” father/daughter dances, etc.), it is 1000000000% okay to abandon those in pursuit of what feels right. You + your partner have the power to set a really wonderful example of what allyship can look like on a wedding day, particularly if you’re straight folks. Levy the privilege that you have to make things just a lil safer + better for your LGBTQ+ loved ones.